POKEY!

Pokey is an instrument file for Native Instruments Reaktor 5. Pokey is vaguely based on the POKEY chip that produced sound in some early 1980’s Atari systems. Really it’s just a super simple synth based on two variable-width pulse wave oscillators and the “Blipper”, the world’s dumbest ADSR which has no A or R, an S of only 0 or 1, and a D from 0 to 100 ms. I could have used a builtin ADSR module but I want this thing to only be able to produce sounds that sound like actual old Atari sounds, and even when coded in software it was hard to make a decent envelope.
Pokey comes with 15 presets which all sound mostly the same, but are subtly different.
Download Pokey here. Reaktor 5 or higher is required.

Reviews of Albums Not Yet Released

I suppose that makes them “previews”…
The Flaming Lips – At War With The Mystics
Quality pop music, with a definite psychedelic Pink Floyd-esque style to it. I don’t know much about the Lips but the true fans are muttering that it’s up there with “The Soft Bulletin”. The weird thing I find is that all the songs remind me of other songs or bands: Pink Floyd, the Beatles, Prince, 80’s hair metal. It’s very odd. Still, thumbs up.
The Fiery Furnaces – Bitter Tea
Oh yes. Very good. The complex chords and labyrinthine song structures of Blueberry Boat return with the addition of hypnotic tape loop soundscapes and backwards vocals, all wrapped up in a wonderful vintage minimalist techno feel. Oh, and no crazy grandma ranting. Harpsichords, acoustic guitars played backwards, and disco beats on the same album; I could ask for nothing more. Thumbs up.

Heelys!

HeelyI see so many kids flying around town on Heelys (those sneakers with the wheel in the heel) and I’ve always maintained that us adults had better get in on this trend soon or else we’ll all grow old and grizzled walking everywhere while today’s youth enjoy a life free of hip replacement surgery, zipping around on their wheeled shoes. You can laugh at it now all you like but you won’t be laughing when those dirty SUVs and cars are abolished. Our Segway future might become our Heely hell.
Well, I just discovered that Heelys are made up to size 12 and 13 which means that even fat old people like me can get in on the Heely revolution. Sweet.

Facts About Richard D. James in the Style of Chuck Norris Facts

  • Richard D. James writes songs in his dreams. When he wakes up he composes them into his computer
  • Richard D. James only releases his bad tracks. He saves his best tracks for his personal friends
  • Richard D. James lives in a bank. It’s said he sleeps in the vault
  • Richard D. James drives a tank
  • Richard D. James once released a limited edition 7″ single made of sandpaper
  • Richard D. James invented Acid Techno when he was 14. He didn’t realize it until much later, or course
  • Richard D. James is also known as Pritchard D. Jams, Aphex Twin, The Aphex Twin, AFX, Polygon Window, and God
  • Richard D. James once mixed his own photograph into the frequency domain of one of his songs. You can see it if you have a decent spectrum analyzer

A Creative Attempt To Discover What Nieman Markus Models Are Thinking By Their Pose and Facial Expre

Vintage polo shirt
“Wow. I totally wore this shirt when I was 8. I can’t believe it still fits. I’m so cut.”
Striped orange shirt
“Give me your lunch money fag! Hey! Stop laughing at my shirt! I play football! FOOTBALL!!”
some shirt
“Crystal, please let me back in! I didn’t mean to hit you! I’m not like that. You know I’m not like that, don’t you baby?”
Some other shirt
“Aw shit… guys… I totally lost my wallet.”
Fin.