And Now, Some Words From Ottawa

A Message From The Real Prime Minister of Canada Stephen Harper

My fellow Canadians,

What Canada needs now is a leader. A leader who is not afraid to speak his mind. A leader who is bold and courageous. A leader who will give Canada one of the most fair and balanced bailout packages this nation has ever seen and that is just what I plan to do… in two months time.

Not that I’m going on Christmas holidays, mind you. I’ll be touring the country talking to Canadians like yourselves, holding aloft a large stick and shouting “Liberals BAD, Liberals BAD!” The stick was donated to me by Encana, by the way. I’m not wasting your tax dollars.

Look, I understand that hardworking Canadians are a bit disappointed to see me prorogue parliament on account of this little tiff, but the Liberals gave me no choice. Do you think I enjoyed asking Michaelle Jean for this?

There I was, in Mz. Jean’s luxurious house. Mz. Jean had just returned from Prague and was preparing for a nap in her silky mauve pajamas. She was sitting in her giant replica Governor General’s chair she had made and installed in her drawing room when she was appointed.

I threw myself at the feet of the brown Goddess and pled my case. “Oh, Michaelle,” I moaned, “the Liberals are trying to oust me! They want to initiate a regime change! And at Christmas time, too! Please, please prorogue parliament, please!” My tears fell on her soft feet.

Michaelle rose, her sumptuous body standing tall over me. Her diaphanous nightie gave her the appearance of a Greek goddess.

“Steven,” she sneered, “I could go King-Bing on your ass right now. Is THAT what you want?”

“No, mistress, no!” I wailed.

She looked down on my pitiful form. Her fist tightened, then she abruptly turned from me and looked at the portrait of the Queen. “Damn this policy of political non-involvement! I would crush you under my heel, Harper, were it not for my constitutionally mandated benevolence! You shall have your precious prorogation!”

“Oh thank you my Governor General! Thank you!” I sang on my knees, my hands clasped tight together and my tears now of joy instead of pain.

“Get out of my sight” sighed Mz. Jean.

Canada needs a strong leader. Canada needs me.

A Message From Prime Minister In-Waiting Stephan Dion

Cher Canadians,

I know you may be worried that having three leaders will be complicated and hard to do, but let me tell you all that there are many things in this world that are only good because there are more than one of them. Would the Three Musketeers be any good if there was only one of them? No! In fact there were four of them and that made them even better! Would the Marx Brothers be any good if there was only Groucho? Perhaps, but they were all important to the success of the comedy family. Even Zeppo. It is a fact. Would you care about the Dionne Quintuplets if there was only one of them? Certainly not! The CBC would not make a documentary about one Dionne Quintuplet. It does not even make sense.

You should think of me, M. Layton, and M. Duceppe as the Dion Triplets.

My co-leaders are very good people. M. Layton is a very good man even though he looks a bit like a talking penis. Though our parties have very different philosophies, intents, and goals we share one very important thing: we are both popular in Ontario. Can you imagine a government that is not popular in Ontario? Clearly, it would be a very strange government. That is why we both must be leaders of Canada.

M. Duceppe is also a good man. The people of Quebec say so I am told. And I love the people of Quebec. That is good enough for me. And besides he has signed a document promising to be my friend for a year and a half. Though I cannot tell you what I had to promise him for him to support me, let me assure you it was not sexually degrading in any way. Mostly it involved transfer payments.

Now that we have power in Canada we can construct the most amazing bailout program that any Canadian can imagine. We will give lots of money to industries that Canadians care about. For instance we will give money to the American auto makers so they can continue to make inefficient and poorly-designed cars in Windsor, Ontario. This will be good for Windsor, and what is good for Windsor is good for Ontario. And what is good for Ontario must be good for Canada. It is a fact. That is why this coalition will be good.

I look forward to being your prime minister for the next six months until I quit. I am sure your next prime minister will be good, too. He will be good because he is a Liberal. The Liberals have never made any messes. It is a fact.

A Message From Co-Prime Minister Elect Jack Layton

Hello,

I drove my Smart Car to Sussex Drive as the Hon. Mr. Dion told me to and then I tiptoed my way to house number 24. It was as big as a mansion! As big a house as I’d ever seen!

Mr. Dion met me at the back entrance and with a very large brass key unlocked a door into a cellar.

“Where are we going?” I asked Mr. Dion.

“Shh!” Mr. Dion fired back, “be quiet, Jack! We have to be very sneaky!”

Down in the cellar we saw many strange things. There were bottles of liquid, red and white, on shelves and not refrigerated. I remarked to Mr. Dion that this was very suspect looking beer but he said it was wine that is made from a fruit called a “grape” which is not grown in central Canada. How curious!

I also saw many kittens in cages but I did not inquire about them.

Down and down we went through many levels of the cellar until we found an imposing steel door. Mr. Dion pulled from his pockets an even larger brass key and opened the heavy latch. Inside there was a room filled with money!

“This room is filled with money!” I remarked to Mr. Dion.

“Yes,” he said, “this is taxpayer money! The Conservatives have been keeping it here where nobody can find it!”

“How dreadful!” I exclaimed. “What do you plan to do with it?”

“When I become Prime Minister,” said Mr. Dion in a dignified voice, “I will give all of the money back to Canadians.”

“Oh, Mr. Dion!” I blubbered. My emotions overtaking me, I clasped Mr. Dion in a tight hug and buried my head into his chest. “All this time I thought we were political enemies but all you wanted to do was give money to people. You are my best friend forever!”

“Yes, yes,” said Mr. Dion but then we heard the heavy breathing of Minister Flaherty and smelled rotten rye whiskey farts in the air and we were forced to flee.

That is why my best friend Mr. Dion should be prime minister.

A Message From L’Emperor de la Nation du Quebec Libre, M. Gilles Duceppe

My loyal subjects,

Perhaps you are a little bit confused about why I am a member of a coalition of Canadian leaders when I myself am not a Canadian? I do it only for you, le Quebecois.

M. Dion and M. Layton have promised a huge, HUGE stimulus to de package of Canada and when all that federal funding begins to spurt from Ottawa it is vital that Quebec is there to receive some of it with mouth open.

Our key industries are hurting. Weepy French folk song production is down almost 23%. I have heard disturbing news on the imminent closure of some of Montreal’s most famous landmarks including Club Super-Sexe and Wanda-Bar. Strippers are heading west to Calgary even though their skills of danse contacte are not respected there. Welfare bohemians have had to hang up their berets and get jobs making lattes at Van Houtte. Even maple syrup production is down! The cabanes-a-sucre are foreclosing.

When I discovered Westmount bagels were being tainted with melamine I realized enough was enough. So, no matter how unpleasant it was to me I had to be a part of this coalition to take the anglophone Conservatives down.

I mean, have you heard Harper’s French?! Tabernac! It is enough of a reason to join the coalition so we do not have to hear the big fat Alberta robot mangle his Vandertramp verbs!

Though it smells like merde, I urge you, my loyal subjects, to support this Canadian coalition.

Vivre le Quebec libre!