Calgary, I don’t love you right now. By all respects the weather this year has been terrible. Actually, let me expand that: Canada: what the fuck?

I hope all those bastards calling for a white Christmas enjoyed sweeping feet of snow off their vehicles in -25 degree C temperature (sans-windchill) before attempting to go to the mall to buy gifts or driving across treacherous mountain passes and/or into the suburbs to visit their families. While most of the major roads were cleared by “fatigued” plow drivers the sideroads were not.

The roads in Chaparral were best described by my dad as “lunar”. How does ice form craters? It is a mystery. But if you ever wanted the true Apollo experience your best bet was driving a Ford Focus over them on December 24th. Guess what I was doing? Hippity-hoppity, hippity-hoppity.

I guess I can thank my stars I wasn’t flying anywhere. Snow in Vancouver, eh? Far out.

Calgary has chinooks. Whoop-de-doo. We’re in the middle of one now and though the major roads are clear the street outside my house is filled with a half-foot of mashed-potato snow coloured gray by road dirt.

You know, it’s too much snow on the ground that brings about the ice age. By not clearing the sideroads we’re encouraging the formation of glaciers. Imagine your heating bill in a ten thousand year winter. I hope they finish cloning the fucking wooly mammoth one of these days so our prehistoric arctic wonderland will look authentic.

Right now my car is in said mashed potatoes parked (if it can be called that) at a 20 degree angle from the curb unable to go forwards or backwards. I look forward to driving it out sometime around Spring thaw. I also look forward to parking tickets and awkward questions from my neighbours. Hey, at least I finally met my neighbours this year whilst helping them push their cars out of the snow though they weren’t around tonight while I spun my tires. I don’t even have rubber floormats of the traction-ful variety to put under my wheels to watch get pulled under spinning tires and spit out the other side. Ever seen that? It’s a hoot. For more fun stand behind the car and push. Make sure it’s a rear-wheel drive manual for extra enjoyment.

It’s not worth traveling anywhere these days unless it’s on foot yet somehow life goes on and work still expects me to show up on time. Reality is a paradox.

Next year I’ll spend Christmas in Maui.